Orks Drift Battle Report

“It has been said that few against many is a lost cause but history has shown us that with enough grit, blood and faith the few can overcome insurmountable odds.” – Commander Argus Kroll of the Astra Militarum. 

A small platoon, lead by Colonel “Mad” Mitchell, from the Stouthearted 31st Praetorian Guard, has been left to hold a small desert outpost on the outer rim planet known, unofficially, as Denizen Mirr. The rest of the Battalion had set off to explore and cleanse the east side of the planet and would be gone for, at least, three weeks. However just two days earlier a report had come in that the whole battalion had met its bloody end when they were surprise attacked by thousands of Orks at a place called LandisWaan. Intelligence was that there was no real Xenos threat but try telling that to nearly 1300 dead Praetorian Guardsmen.

The news hit the men at the outpost hard but, true to their stiff upper lip reputation, they dug in and prepared for the worse.


The outpost was ancient and crumbling and situated in low lands. Not the best spot for a defensive potision but it would have to do.

Then, just as the sun was at its highest…



The Ork horde came fast and hard from over the horizon.


Colonel Mitchell started barking orders at his men. Some of the troops started to sing to bolster courage in the rest of the platoon.

The Albino Blud Letta Ork army had been wondering the wild plains of this lonely planet for months and had only found strange indigenous nomadic individuals to eat. Then they stumbled across hundreds of tasty humies! They wasted no time in attacking, killing and eating the men.

Now Warboss ScabRott has his sights set on more fresh meat at the old outpost. He decided on a “horns of the bull” (pincer) attack on the small outpost and predicted he would overrun it in no time at all.

“Colonel, they’re on the left and right flanks too!” Private Hook called down from his position.

“STEADY MEN. AIM WELL AND MAKE EM COUNT.” Colonel Mitchell shouted as he took up his own position. He was old, grizzled and only had one leg but he would roll up his sleeves and fight, bleed and die with his men if it came to that.

The roaring of the Albino Orks was deafening and unnerving as they came charging at the red coats. The two snipers on the north east tower opened fire first and, as luck would have it, they killed two warboss’s Including ScabRott. The men on the defensive walls cheered.


However, this shock only drove the Ork horde on and enraged them even more.

The Stouthearted Praetorian Guardsmen opened fire but their single shot lasrifles did little to stop the Ork advance.

Captain Bromhead had more success in his trusty Leman Russ Battle Tank and put a big hole in the Ork ranks sending up goopy Ork blood into the sky like a fountain


Despite the blow nothing was going to stop the momentum of the Albino onslaught and they were soon blasting away with surprising accuracy for Orks. Guardsmen after guardsmen fell with a big and bloody blast hole in his head or torso. Was this going to be a massacre????


Soon the monstrous Orks broke through the left and right flank of the fort.



The north wall held for a few minutes longer thanks to the heroic and gallant efforts of Lieutenant Burrows and standard bearer Corporal Dalton who went hand to hand with half a dozen Ork beasts. Unfortunately the Lientenant was mortally wounded moments later and, in Dalton’s arms, whispered “Tell mumsy and little Timmy I love…” Dalton stood up and with tears and blood in his eyes he picked up his battalions flag and charged at the nearest Ork. The nearest Ork happened to be the infamous “Leadfoot Larry. The two veterans faced off with each other in hand to hand combat.

Below: Lieutenant Burrows and Corporal Dalton fight a hard but losing battle.


Below: Dalton and Leadfoot Larry face off.


Sadly, Dalton fell from a hefty blow to the head from the butt of Leadfoots Big shoota.


Captain Bromhead, who was commanding the tank, copped six shots to the chest and was reduced to a bloody pile of steaming guts. A brave but slightly dim Private leapt into the tank but misfired it. He leapt back out and shot wildly at the approaching Orks who shot him dead and laughed.

All the troops manning the walls and towers were dead including Commissar Gliene. Hope was dwindling fast for the Stouthearted.

The marauding Orks loped towards the final bastion for the guardsmen, “The Redoubt”. Biscuit boxes and bags of porridge would now be a make do stronghold for the final battle.


It was all over in minutes. There were just too darned many of the Albino brutes. Not even poor Miss Trommel, the army drummer, was saved.

Colonel Mitchell was the last to fall but not before he managed to take out one more pesky Ork with his smoking pipe. A lethal weapon in the rights hands.


It was a fun and fast paced battle with me commanding the Stouthearted 31st Praetorian Guard and my best mate Waz leading the Albino Orks. Waz is great at voices so he voiced the guttural, angry, and cockney Orks A’s well the over the top posh and pompous voices of the Guardsmen which had me in tears of laughter hehe.

Hope you enjoyed the battle report.














36 thoughts on “Orks Drift Battle Report”

  1. Was this your first batrep? Don’t recall seeing one since I started following you. Very fun. Sounds like the battle was a little one-sided with the Orks there, huh? Yea, I tend to do voices a lot, thanks to the old RPG days. The teen probably wishes I wouldn’t, but the toddler doesn’t seem to mind (yet). ;P

    Liked by 2 people

  2. That was brilliant, it really bought the film to the table (the captions were a great touch). Love your Pret guard too. It makes me want to do Starship Troopers with Cadians and Tyranids 😀 (though not quite the same league of classic film!).
    Useless bit of trivia, Orcs drift was also a Warhammer fantasy expansion (2nd edition) written by Joe Denver and Gary Chalk who then went on to write and illustrate the lone wolf series of game books.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks man. I’ve considered the starship troopers thing too actually. Cadians are almost a dead ringer for the mobile infantry. I really enjoyed the movie and I guess, with the passing of time, 20 years or so, it is a classic now hehe.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Awesome. Great battle report which worked out better than the film that inspired it! Quite gripping actually too. 🙂 Such a shame they couldn’t hold out but then you had to admire that Orc impi.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Haha I loved the “tasty humies” line. Sounds like it could be the name for a breakfast cereal made from people meat and sold to ork kids. Each box could even have a little prize in it so the ork kids could fight over who got to keep the mandible or bag of fingernails prize they found. 😛
    Also, the “Scumdog millionaires, I think you mean, Old Chap!” panel literally made me laugh out loud. Awesome post. It radiates total mayhem and fun all at once! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ahaha I really like the cereal idea haha. When it comes to playing these tabletop games we kind of just make it up as we go along. Not that there’s anything wrong with learning all the rules but it’s just more fun to make them up. Therefore we always try to inject some funny stuff into the games. Mostly for our own amusement. Glad it translated well though 👍🏼👍🏼

      Liked by 1 person

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